7 Mistakes Schools Make That Break an Autistic Child’s Trust

This episode is about the mistakes schools and professionals make that may seem small to them, but can be enormous for autistic children and SEND families.

It's about what happens when promises aren't kept, communication breaks down, timelines drift, and children stop feeling safe.

Most importantly, it's about the moment the trust is lost. And why for some children, once that trust is gone, there is no easy way back. I've been here more than once now, and I definitely see the patterns. I can see what's coming. Honestly, I don't think it takes a genius to work it out, so I think it's really important that we talk about it today. There is definitely a point where you lose them, where they're done, and where there's no coming back. Yet staff, professionals don't seem to realize it. They don't seem to, in my experience, they don't seem to see it coming. And the most shocking thing to me is often I'm talking about staff in specialist schools or in alternative provisions, places where you would expect them to know better, to be better trained, to have better communication. So we want to go through it today and spell it out. So number one mistake we've seen is not knowing the child. So a friend of ours actually had the experience of turning up at an alternative provision with her son. So something that you really hope is going to help your child after they've been through a terrible time at mainstream, only to find out that all they knew about her child was his name and his doctor. They didn't know anything about his diagnosis. She had assumed that the local authority would have sent over all this information ahead of time, but they hadn't. And what she said was that this was really central to the placement not working out. They had no understanding or no knowledge, so they handled him badly on arrival, and the placement broke down within weeks. So that's number one. You need to know a bit about the child that's coming to you.

Yeah, and I think when it comes to things like EHCPs, there's a lot of details in those documents, isn't there? And I think if they take the time to go through them, it could be so helpful, 'cause then you know exactly what the support is, what their anxieties are. It's, it's not that hard.

No, I actually had an opposite experience where I was talking to a provider yesterday, and she wanted to meet before even meeting my child, and she had their EHCP already, but she wanted to know everything. She wanted to know likes, dislikes, the kind of energy that a practitioner needs to bring to a session, what they respond to, what music they like so they can make sure that it's playing. And it, it didn't matter what that was. If I said Eminem, something with a strong beat, she was, "Absolutely, we'll, we'll put that on there." What are their interests? What kind of things would be a no for your child? What would really upset them? So I was able to say, "Don't mention food. Absolutely no mention of food. Please don't have crumbs everywhere. You know, smells. Don't ask too many questions. Don't try to make them make a decision." And

It's all these little tiny details that, that seem small, but actually they're massive when it, what it takes to build a rapport with that child, and then you get their trust, and then you can start helping them.

If that first session goes badly, don't think that you're gonna have another chance. Not necessarily. I think with our children, an experience like that, it's wrong in whatever way, that can be refusal. Just like that, and it's done. And it was really refreshing to talk to somebody who understood that, the importance of getting that first meeting right, and of no pressure.

Yeah, and I do think there are some amazing teachers out there who do understand that and do find those details out, but there's also a lot that don't.

Yeah, there, there really are.

One of the things that I think is quite shocking is that this is happening in a specialist setting, places where you expect staff to have a bit more training and understanding of autism and anxiety. Why do you think that's so hard to process?

Massively hard to process. Massively hard to process. It was for me. One of the experiences we had at school, it was the biggest shocker to me really, because the only professional that I'd come across was the lovely lady that we've talked about from the EarlyBird course, who's extremely knowledgeable, and she works at the specialist school. And to be honest, I thought that everybody I came across who worked in a specialist provision would have that level of knowledge and that level of care and interest, and I was really wrong. I think some of these specialist schools have expanded quite quickly, and they've got to fill those positions, and sometimes they're not filling those positions with people who have as much knowledge as, as us. It was quite scary to me to realize that sometimes I would be having conversations, and to realize that I was the one that held the most knowledge. And what I was hoping for was they would bring something to the table with how to support my children. It was, it was terrifying to be asked, "What should I do? I don't know what to do." I had that with two members of staff at one of the specialist schools, and to be honest, I don't know where they recruited them from. I would say you probably had 50% who were amazing, who cared, had trained, maybe had relatives with SEN needs, who were really good. And then you had 50% who this is just a job.

Yeah.

And the difficulty is when your child is coming into contact with both, it doesn't matter how good the others are. If their needs are not being met by those other professionals that they are spending time with every day, the placement's not gonna work out.

Yeah.

So the next point is, number two, not keeping your promises. If you promise something, particularly to an autistic child, you need to keep that promise. And that's just a full stop. Both my children have been in the situation where they've felt that something has been promised and it's not been fulfilled. They don't forgive that. So to an adult, it may have been something promised lightly or that they didn't think was important, but it's so essential to that trust, to that feeling of safety of a child. And once that's gone, again, there's usually no going back.

Why is keeping promises such a big deal for autistic children, do you think?

I think it's to do with safety. If you show yourself to be untrustworthy to a child that's already anxious, well, they don't trust you. It breaks the trust. So that's why it's so important. If you're trying to build a relationship, you need to be as good as your word. I mean, that's true for anybody, isn't it? But particularly if you're dealing with somebody with high anxiety levels.

Yeah, and going into environments where they typically struggle, they need to feel as safe and as supported as possible in order to just overcome those, those anxieties. And then if you have people who aren't keeping promises, I think that just adds another level of anxiety when they're already feeling unsafe.

Yeah, completely agree with you.

What do you think professionals should do if they realize they can't keep a promise?

I think they should be upfront about it. I think they need to communicate. Again, it comes back to communication. If there's a genuine reason, they need to explain it ahead of time, not just avoid it, not address it. It needs to be addressed, and it needs to be explained. I think that's the best chance you've got.

Have you seen your children remember broken promises long after the adults seem to have forgotten?

Yeah, totally. Like elephants that never forget.

Yeah. I think one key thing as well is that it's not the adult's perception of the event that matters the most, it's the child's experience of it. I think there needs to be more understanding around that.

Yeah, absolutely. Another thing that I've come across is not understanding how big it is if a child has become hysterical, or a parent has reported that a child has been hysterical following perhaps a day at school, or if they were at school, they had a meltdown, or they actually had a shutdown. One of my children, for example, was in a maths lesson last year, and they shut down.

When you say shut down, what did that look like for your child?

Head on the table, not speaking, not communicating in any way, right? So I know that that's indicating really severe anxiety. Okay? I've talked to other professionals about this, and I've been told that it's really important that you, you can ignore the behavior, but you don't ignore the child. So you might think that you're ignoring the situation, and therefore just leave them be and it'll be fine, but if they're feeling ignored and not cared about and not helped in any way, that actually, that's gonna lead you to major issues. And for us, placement breakdown, it's another element. And then whatever caused the shutdown, the meltdown, the hysterics, needs to be addressed. It needs to be addressed, and we've certainly been in the situation where it's just been left. And I've had conversations, but they're too late. They're too late. So I've said, "Look, if I'm gonna get my child into school tomorrow, I need to talk to somebody now about what happened. My child needs to feel heard and needs to feel like there's a solution to whatever caused that upset." And I've had emails just go unanswered for a couple of days. So the next maths lesson came up. Of course, my child didn't go in. What I'll actually say is my child never did a maths lesson at that provision again. Never. And to them it was such a small thing, but I knew it wasn't, and I think school staff need to listen to parents, because we know our children. I'm not saying that this is the case for all children, but everyone needs to be heard, and there needs to be better communication because if there was better communication, I think a lot of these placements wouldn't break down, if you're responding quickly.

Yeah. And I certainly feel like there's a bit of a sense of, "Oh, mum's being dramatic," or, "Mum's, you know, being a pain." And if you feel like that, it's, it's even worse, 'cause then you don't trust the professionals yourself either, and it's not helpful at all. There's a reason that we're trying to advocate for our children, and we know them better than anyone. And to not be listened to or to be brushed off is just gonna end in disaster.

Yeah, that's my experience. I mean, even as I'm saying it, I realize that it could be interpreted that I'm, like, overprotective, being a pain. But when you know your child and you know the signs and you're trying to make that placement work out, you know if this isn't dealt with, if they don't feel reassured, which probably wouldn't take a lot to do, but if they don't feel that, then this isn't gonna work out and I will not be able to get them there, which, which is eventually what happened. But I have seen it done so well also. When one of my children was at an alternative provision for a year, the staff there were so good, and every morning my child would have anxieties about something different, and there was a pattern. Once one thing was resolved, another anxiety would come up. So the, the woman that led the facility, she would say, "My door is always open to you. Come in. We'll talk about it. We can sort out anything. Anything. We can sort it out." And it was simple things, and they might have to tweak something in the day, and then he'd go in and then he'd be happy. And he attended really well and was really happy there. So as you say, there are professionals, practitioners who, who fully understand it. It doesn't take a lot

No, it doesn't.

to keep things running smoothly, but it is necessary.

My eldest child is at a really good specialist school, and I have raised concerns at different points. I have not had to do it very much, but when I have, I've had a response almost straight away and then a meeting very quickly after, and then it's resolved. And I am treated with respect. They listen to me, and that makes such a huge difference.

That's so refreshing.

So you've said parents aren't anxious about speaking to school because they're overprotective. They're anxious because they know what happens when the school misses the mark. How do you think schools can make better use of parent knowledge instead of just seeing it as a criticism?

They can listen. As you said, where your child's school treats you with respect, I think that's where they need to come from. It's all very well bandying around words like collaboration, collaborative approaches, but you've actually got to mean them. And another thing I've experienced is it might be all right that first couple of weeks, and then once your child is running into problems, those regular communications might stop. So I think that they need to trust parents and they need to listen, respect that we do know our children.

Yeah. I think it can be seen as like an inconvenience, 'cause it's disruptive. They just wanna get on and do their jobs. But when you're working with children like ours, sometimes they need a bit of extra input, a bit of extra support. It's not always gonna go smoothly, and I think that has to be taken into consideration.

Yeah. Otherwise they'd be at mainstream, wouldn't they?

What do you wish professionals understood about parental instinct?

I think they should trust it. No parent fights for a place at specialist school and doesn't want it to work out. I think they need to remember that.

Yeah, that's a really good point because it's not an easy path, is it?

It's not an easy path. And yes, I think that some of us, we're fairly battle-hardened maybe by the time we get to this point, because some parents have had to go to tribunal to get these places. So we are perhaps fairly vocal in wanting to support our children, advocate for our children. But I think that should be respected because they were the destination. They were what we were fighting for. We want this to work out.

Yeah, definitely. And I think parents aren't trying to be difficult. They're trying to prevent the breakdown of the placement, and if only this was understood a little bit more.

Yeah, because the next thing I was gonna move on to was number four. Another no is ignoring requests for meetings, ignoring if a child's got a problem with a timetable, ignoring whatever that child is anxious about. Again, it may seem like a small thing. The parent, carer may seem just like a pain in the backside, but through not responding quickly, not reassuring a child, even if that is a conversation around why what they want isn't possible in that way, but what you could do, making them feel heard, reassuring them with the anxiety, that's going to help. Ignoring those things, ignoring, ignoring that is going to be the fastest way that you're gonna head towards a breakdown.

Those anxieties don't just disappear with our children. It's not something that can just be brushed off and ignored.

And I think that there are schools out there, it's all very easy to put on your website that you deal with anxious children. And I actually think what they mean is they want easy children. They want non-challenging behavior children. That's my experience of some of the provisions I've encountered, because an anxious child needs constant managing and supporting. They might deal with their anxiety internally, quietly, doesn't mean it's not there and it's not huge to them, and it's not a massive barrier. It needs supporting.

Yeah, definitely.

I think if they get the message that you don't care, you're heading for a breakdown of the placement.

Yeah, I agree. Do you find it frustrating when professionals see one version of your child at school, but you're managing the fallout at home?

Yeah, absolutely. With both of my children that's been the case, actually. Yes, so because they complied perhaps at school, I think that's usually the case with mine, they might say something small, they might give an indicator that they're not happy, but it's easy to ignore. And for a professional, for teaching staff to just minimize it, they're okay, and they're absolutely not. And it's when they get through the door, it's, "I'm never going back," or it's hysterics or it's shutdown. It's, it's one or the other, and they, they need to understand that they do not get the full picture when a child's at school because not all our children are comfortable with saying, or they might have delayed reactions, or they've got that mask up. And we've touched on this really, but number five is what I wanted to add was timelines matter. You need to act quickly. So if a query is raised, and for example, you are looking at a plan for education for the coming year, and you say you promise this child that you are gonna get a clear plan in place, because for a lot of our children, they need to know what it's gonna look like. They need to know that. They can't go in not knowing what the timetable looks like, if their goals are gonna be able to be achieved. It's no good saying that in June, and then in September there's still no clear plan. For an anxious child, that is going to shoot their anxiety through the roof, or just to be left hanging, just we'll come back to you about that, or words I find like if a teacher says, "Later, you can do it later." My children need when, what does later look like? Is that Monday at 9:00? It needs to be more definite, basically. And I know that again, your experience of your child's school is they're very prompt, aren't they, at sorting problems.

Yeah.

That's really good. And number six, understanding that you don't get endless chances, not with our children. As the practitioner I was speaking to yesterday understood, you don't get a lot of chances. If it's wrong, if it seems to be going wrong, that will be that.

Yeah, recovering from that is very, very difficult, isn't it?

Yeah, it's very

Not impossible.

Yeah, if you get it wrong over and over, you won't get another chance, and that's just how it is. Seemingly small things can be absolutely massive to our children, mine certainly are not forgiving. So I think, you know the phrase three strikes and you're out? With them, I tend to think of it as, like, one strike. It can be one strike. You might get two if you're lucky, but three, I, I don't think so.

No.

And then I think leading on from that, my final point would be that, number seven, thinking there's a way back when a child says they're done. When the trust is gone, it's pretty much, with mine, I don't know about yours, but it's like you're dead to me. They've got a line, and when that, when that's crossed, those shutters come down, that negotiating can't even take place. It's too late. All those needs needed to have been met much earlier. When we're at this point where they're done,

Yeah.

doesn't matter what I say, doesn't matter what the professionals say, you're cut off. You're not trustable. The relationship's broken down.

Yeah. I think that's them creating a sense of safety for themselves, isn't it? Just shut down, protect myself.

Yeah, for sure.

You've said there's a point where you lose the child, where they're done and there's no coming back. Can you explain what that looks like?

When they're done with my children, that looks like absolute refusal to contemplate going to the placement. It's, they won't have anything to do with it. It means they won't talk to anybody that works there, won't think about going. It's gone. It's cut off. That's not something we do anymore.

So sometimes I think there can be a way back, but it requires humility, accountability, consistency, and time, not just one meeting and a quick reset.

Yeah. I would agree with that.

So if a parent says, "My child is close to not coming in," what do you think schools should do that week?

Oh, depends, doesn't it? My child is close to not coming in. Why are they close to not coming in? I think that a school should offer a call with the parent to understand more and then take it from there, 'cause there's gonna be lots of different reasons why a child might be at that point. The school needs to act quickly and it needs to offer the parent a meeting, maybe talk to the child, work out a way forward, not ignore it.

Yeah, I think it's really important to speak to the child as well.

Yeah, really speak to the child, understand what's going on and what you can do. It's gonna vary so much depending on what the situation is, but that child needs to be heard.

Yeah. So a possible list then could be that they acknowledge the concern quickly, believe the parent, speak to the child in a way that they can manage, give a clear plan, and follow up when promised. Avoid making promises that they can't keep. Repair broken trust directly, and review it in days or weeks, not months. Understand that attendance problems are often a sign of distress and not defiance.

That's a good checklist. So I think to sum up, what I'd like to say is placement breakdown isn't sudden. It might look sudden on paper, but for the child and for the family, there's likely been weeks, months, sometimes years of anxiety, broken trust, and missed opportunities. And parents aren't raising concerns because they want to be difficult. They're raising concerns because they want to stop exactly what's happening from happening. So if you are a professional who's listening or if you work at a school, if you work with children, please don't wait until the child is no longer coming in. Listen early and act quickly. Be clear and keep your promises.

And if you're a parent listening and this feels familiar, you're not overreacting. You know your child. You're allowed to say, "This placement is at risk and we need urgent action now."