Caring for Yourself When Your Child Is Having a Tough Day

Surviving a meltdown or just trying to make it through the day. We are right here with you. Join us as we share the ups, the downs, and everything in between parenting autistic children.

Victoria Bennion: Today we're gonna talk about what to do when your child is having a bad day. How do you look after yourself?

A lot of energy, a lot of support, a lot of coaching, and we've talked about this before, it can mean that you can get to the point of needing a good cry. You can feel really burnt out,

Natalie Tealdi: Sometimes you do just get to the point where you just need to go off and have a good cry and that's okay.

Victoria Bennion: Definitely. Sometimes you can't avoid that. I know that's been me stuck in the car sometimes,

How do you manage that when maybe your plan was to drop at school and go to work, or you're running your own business, you've gotta go into a meeting.

How do you cope? Because I used to make a lot of mistakes. I used to think that I could do all that and then continue my day with all my meetings, with everything I had planned, everything, and I didn't give myself any leeway, any recovery time. And that's a very quick way to just increase your stress levels and make you feel really burnt out.

Natalie Tealdi: The first thing I do is to try and carve out time for some meditation. So I use the Gabby Bernstein app, her coaching app, and that is my go-to thing because there's quite a lot of choice. You can have a five minute one or a two minute one or a 10 minute or a 15 minute.

So I just gauge with how long I've got just to just take some time out to just breathe. And listen to that and try and recenter myself.

Victoria Bennion: That's your favorite thing to do.

Natalie Tealdi: Yes, I fit that in.

But, I try to think about what are the things that make me feel better. So I've recently bought a heated blanket, which is on my lap at the moment, and I didn't need something. It's lovely and soft and warm and and it, if it's quite cold here at the moment. So I would sit on my computer, but it makes it easier to sit on my computer to have the blanket over my lap.

So I guess I try to make my environment as supportive as possible if I am working. I dunno if you try any of those things.

Natalie Tealdi: I'm lucky that I work from home, so if I am feeling a bit sorry for myself, I will work from my bed sometimes. So I'll just get under the covers and then that's my sort of way of okay, I am still working, but I'm taking care of myself 'cause I'm in a nice, comfy space.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah.

Victoria Bennion: I think stripping back to what's necessary and just

Natalie Tealdi: What are the actual priorities?

Victoria Bennion: yeah, what are the priorities and then what can you work in that is for you? Because something I know that you said to me earlier, and I think this is really important to remember, like actually these struggles, not yours.

Natalie Tealdi: No.

Victoria Bennion: it's, it can be very easy to absorb your child's emotions as well and, end up feeling just as bad,

Victoria Bennion: Because sometimes despite all your best efforts, you can't fix it in the moment and some, something that I found is it's a situation that may need time to come out of that really anxious state and it can support that. And he actually needs me to be able to be calm to. To be strong, to be supportive.

So you have to put in those things that enable you to pick that up and continue that. Something that I find useful. I have to walk the dog every day 'cause he's insane, but maybe changing when I walk the dog, that can be helpful if I need to, if I might need to walk, I might need to walk off.

That can help get some sunshine her if we have sunshine.

Natalie Tealdi: And talking as

Victoria Bennion: Talking. Yeah,

Natalie Tealdi: I mean, We're often on the phone to each other, aren't we

Victoria Bennion: Yeah,

Yeah, obviously I'll call you my friend Becky. I will call her quite often. And you can just get input as well and just an understanding here can be helpful and other hard times? It depends how it falls. But I go to a monthly group with other parents of send children and if it falls on a night like that's really good 'cause you can talk it out and other people can give you their perspectives.

Sometimes, helpful comments as well, but sometimes it's just nice to be with people who understand and that can just make you feel a little bit better.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, definitely. We've got quite a few parent friends, haven't we now

Parents who were facing similar struggles and that's where the friendship started to form with support. I know when my son didn't have his diagnosis and I didn't realize at the time what was going on. , they were going on a school trip and we were waiting outside to say goodbye to them

he came out with the rest of the class sobbing and the teacher said to me, do you have ear defenders for him? And I said ear defenders. Why does he need ear defenders? They were going to watch a music thing,

but it hadn't been addressed with me the amount that he was struggling in the classroom, particularly with the noise.

So surround yourself with people who get it and will accept it. And understand that if you are late, what challenges you might be having or if you need to cancel because it's just not gonna be the right day for your child to be able to cope with that. I that that's really helpful for stress rather than if you are surrounding yourself with people who might not be so understanding of your child's behaviors or understand what it can take to even get them to that location.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, definitely. You see Other people and then it's like, why why isn't my child coping? But I always remember my son's head teacher saying to me, seek out those other parents who are in similar positions. 'cause they are

there

Because you do feel isolated but once you do find those other

Victoria Bennion: and I think it, it very much depends on how your child's behaviors display. Like we sometimes say our boys are like two sides of the same coins in the way that it's very similar struggles. What they're responding to is similar, the things that they're finding really challenging, but how that then comes out, how they deal with that, looks very different.

So to people who aren't used to. That kind of behavior, those kind of struggles. Some behaviors can look like really naughty behaviors, which I know you've struggled with a lot more

Natalie Tealdi: Oh gosh, yes.

So then that makes it harder for you to go into the playground and. You know, Mixed with those parents, which is possibly why she, she said that to you

Natalie Tealdi: Yes. Yeah, I did.

Victoria Bennion: I remember you saying to me when you took your son to a party

that he was struggling at, and that's why you met one of your friends

Natalie Tealdi: I did. Yes. He was struggling at a party, gosh, it was a few years ago now. He was only about five. There was a family there with their children with iPads and we just got talking and realized they had the same similar struggles and they're still really good friends

I get it. You might be trying to work you may, be running your own business, you may be having to go to work. If you can take off anything additional that is not going to like that they say at school, fill your cup

Absolutely. Let it go. and.

Then be kind to yourself. What do you need? Because if it's a day and you've dropped your child at school and they have gone in, but you might be required to pick them up early or you're gonna have to.

Maybe put in some support when you pick them up and you need to be feeling a bit better. It's really important that you do things. So I've, the things I do that I've talked about, so my blanket, a nice smelling candle, some relaxation,

Natalie Tealdi: Sometimes it can just be, have an early night, just go to bed

half

an

hour

early

or something.

Victoria Bennion: It can be. I often do that. I just give up.

And remember that tomorrow is another day and you know, we are having one of those days today, but I know that tomorrow is highly likely going to be a much better day for him. He's happier about the things that are planned So. If I have to let some things go, if I have to take an earlier night tomorrow, I will feel better.

If he feels better, I will feel better, and therefore we can make most of it up and it'll be okay.

Natalie Tealdi: fresh start tomorrow.

Thanks for joining us today on the Autism Mums Podcast. We hope you have found a little support, a little solidarity, and a reminder that you are not in this alone. If you enjoyed the episode, we'd love it if you'd follow the show and share it with another parent or carer who might need to hear it. And if you've got a story or a moment you'd like to share, we'd love to hear from you at www theautismmums.com

until next time. Take care.